This piece is part of Scientific American's column The Science of Parenting. For more, go here.
“That’s not fair!” I live with two young children and hear this cry often. They say it’s unfair that adults get to stay up later, that they didn’t get dessert and that they don’t have a pool.
I study children’s perceptions of justice, so I knew this moment was coming. Even so, I have been surprised at how their cries of injustice over seemingly trivial things irritate me. I sometimes take it personally. How dare they question my benevolent leadership!
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I could just shut down the conversation with the classic “life is not fair.” I could defend the justice in my actions or call them out for their bad attitudes. I could listen and address the heated emotions over the who-got-what argument. Or I could distract them because I am too tired to tackle a big life lesson. I have done all of these things.
But for kids to become just, they need to practice talking about justice. They need patient adults to help them sort out what’s merely unlikable from what is truly unfair.
My research has solidified my understanding that how I respond to my children in these moments will shape their sensitivity to, and empathy toward, people affected by injustice. If we want our children to fight for justice, we need to “lean in” as they grapple with the discomforts of existence. Justice is central to morality, and grappling with unfairness is part of moral development. Disengaging or dismissing children’s early cries for justice fosters cynicism and complacency.
Human awareness and concern around justice start early. Babies gaze at kinder puppets longer, preferring them over a puppet that stole a ball and ran away. Toddlers give tasty cookies to good characters and yucky foods to bad ones. Children prefer fairness even when it does not favor them. They would rather take their toy and go home than tolerate an unfair game. With age, children increasingly grasp differences between equality (everyone gets the same) and equity (based on need or merit), as well as individual and structural reasons for inequality. Their understanding of justice deepens.
My research with children in São Paulo, Brazil, shows that by age 12, youths have sophisticated beliefs about justice. Children from wealthier families said their lives were more fair than the world in general. Those in low-income families rated their lives as less just. We found that by adolescence children at all income levels know justice is not distributed equally.
Families that can afford insurance or call a lawyer friend for free legal advice suffer fewer random injustices. They are less likely to have a devastating house fire or debilitating car accident that plunges them into poverty. Teachers are more likely to give affluent children the benefit of the doubt or ask for their side of the story. Children in poverty are more likely to have negative interactions with the police early in their lives—driving different beliefs about police legitimacy and justice. Systemic issues are undeniable. But social class doesn’t fully explain how children develop their views.
When teachers are fair and policies are transparent, children’s lives become more fair. When parents provide explanations and natural consequences, they teach children to expect justice.
Consider families and schools. The children in our research whose parents listened to their side of the story said that their lives were fairer and that they were less likely to become cynical in the coming years—even in poverty. The adolescents most at risk for delinquency were the ones who said their parents and teachers were disrespectful or demeaning.
Children can grow up financially stable and unscathed by systemic prejudice yet still experience sibling favoritism, be dehumanized on social media, or attend a school where administrators are clueless or authoritarian. Zero tolerance school policies typically backfire because they are unfair. A student trying to break up a fight may get the same suspension as the ones who were fighting. Such policies halt conversations about context and intent.
Every experience shapes a kid’s worldview. In childhood, injustice comes with a sense of powerlessness; it is both outraging and demoralizing, often fostering cynicism and disengagement. If children are not treated fairly in a group, they assume they do not belong there, which breaks down their social contract. Conversely, when they benefit from injustice (that is, when they are favored or privileged), they may learn to dismiss people’s concerns over it, blunting their sensitivity and care for others.
Some schools have disciplinary policies focused on restoring justice. In this model, adults give children ample opportunities to practice constructive conversations. Moreover, they provide students with a way to make things right again. I am part of a team that assessed a school intervention designed to make the classroom more structured and supportive. We asked 1,865 fourth and fifth graders questions throughout the year about fair treatment, rule clarity and the quality of their relationships with teachers. We found that clear school rules and strong relationships within schools predicted youths’ expectations of justice and their moral character.
Interestingly, most of these students grew up in low-income families with low social mobility and were exposed to high inequality. Nevertheless, the justice students experienced in the school predicted their bravery, fairness and helping behavior. A child who expects injustice is less likely to speak up to defend a classmate. But youths who experience justice are more likely to model it.
Children need to practice having control over injustice. Injustice is deflating, and every child will experience it. But adults in their lives teach them how to cope with it and act on it. Neuroscience research has revealed that under harsh conditions, the human default is helplessness. Yet even when in pain, we can learn control if we see even minor results. Children need parents, teachers and coaches to buffer injustices and help them feel powerful.
When teachers are fair and policies are transparent, children’s lives become more fair. When parents provide explanations and natural consequences, they teach children to expect justice. A child who can tell their side of the story before facing a consequence is receiving due process. A teacher who refrains from disrespecting students when they need to be corrected is offering justice. Parents teach their children about justice when they do not shut down the conversation after a child screams, “That’s not fair!”
When your child says something is unfair, resist the urge to snap back. Consider the unpleasantness they are experiencing, and discern what level of complexity they can handle. Perhaps they are just annoyed and need help differentiating injustice from discomfort. Perhaps they are handling a minor injustice and need a listening ear and some perspective. Or maybe they need space to be told they are not wrong to feel outraged and are part of a larger story of injustice and tragedy.
Let children tell their side of the story; provide predictable consequences; let them make it right. If children grow up believing life is always fair, they will be easily discouraged when life gets hard. Those who believe the world is a just place are the most likely to believe a victim deserved whatever happened and blame that person so they can feel less vulnerable. It is a natural self-protective mechanism, but it erodes empathy and character development. Believing life is always unfair, however, can rob children of a sense of power over their environment and could leave them cynical and demoralized.
Children need to think about justice, grapple with it, act on it. Acknowledging unfairness and striving for justice is the only rational path in a painful world.
A while back my son, age four, lost his cookie-eating privileges for the day because of his bad attitude at breakfast. That afternoon my daughter, age six, surprised me by saying she wasn’t going to eat her cookie, either. Motivated by justice, she chose solidarity with her brother and equality. Yet she has no problem understanding that she can stay up later than her brother because she is older. She comprehends equity; she also knows she can’t flaunt it. These tiny family moments are part of a bigger picture.
When I hear my children say, “That’s not fair,” as much as I want to override their arguments, my better judgment reminds me to slow down and let them practice thinking about it. I want to teach my children to identify real injustices and learn that their behavior matters. I want them to feel strong enough to speak up for a child who gets mocked online and to listen to others’ side of the story. Then, chances are, when faced with both personal and societal injustice, they’ll be sensitive enough yet strong enough to do something about it.
This is an opinion and analysis article, and the views expressed by the author or authors are not necessarily those of Scientific American.